Morgan Brown, M.S.
Let’s say you have a child that is, for all intents and purposes, a loose cannon. They are constantly having temper tantrums about who knows what. They are always yelling and crying about seemingly insignificant changes to their schedule. They have a nighttime routine that takes 20 minutes to get through because they must know if the door is locked, the windows are locked, the car is locked, the refrigerator door is closed, the lights are turned off (but not the one in the hallway), and there is a clear path from their room to your room that they could take in the dark in case of emergencies. They come across as difficult, emotionally sensitive, manipulative, and defiant. But, if you think about it for a second, could it be that this child is just feeling overly anxious?
It goes without saying, but children and adults are very different. As we grow, we mature in understanding ourselves, our feelings, and how to verbalize that connection. That being said, emotions and their expressions are going to look different between a child and a mature adult or even an adolescent. For example, if an adult is feeling sad, most of the time, they are able to verbalize what has caused them to feel sad (grieving a loss, hurt feelings, disappointment, etc.). However, children may not be able to pinpoint the cause of their sadness; they just know that they feel sad! This also applies to other emotions, including anxiety. A study conducted by Suveg and Zeman (2004) on anxiety in children found that children with anxiety disorders “had difficulty managing worried, sad, and anger experiences, potentially due to their report of experiencing emotions with high intensity and having little confidence in their ability to regulate this arousal.” Not only does high anxiety bring difficulty with regulating emotions, but it also brings low self-esteem and low confidence in the ability to tolerate the anxiety. No wonder anxious children come across as difficult and defiant. There is a lot going on in their young brains and bodies!
It has been established that anxiety in children is expressed in different ways, but what are those ways? Here are some common expressions of anxiety and worry in children.
Anger
Anger is a common expression of anxiety in children, and it makes sense when you think about it. As you most likely know, anxiety is a strong (or big) emotion. Imagine having that anxiety with no idea as to what you are feeling or how to verbalize what you are feeling. It would be frustrating, right? And add to that frustration that you also have authority figures who do not understand what you are experiencing, giving orders or punishments, further increasing that anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed. That’s when the child becomes extremely frustrated and angry with no obvious cause for anger.
Chandeliering
Brene Brown (2015) defined chandeliering as being the moment when a seemingly calm person suddenly flies off the handle. This occurs when someone makes an innocent comment or people are simply going about their business when the child erupts in a temper tantrum. What caused it? Anxiety. When children feel unequipped to handle or verbalize their worry or anxiety, they may push it down, but we can only hold so much before we are sent straight through the chandelier.
Restlessness
Most of us have heard about the Fight or Flight Response to danger, but what happens when we feel afraid as if we are in danger, but we have nothing to fight or run from? Well, we have excess energy with no outlet. This situation can result in hyperactivity or jittery movements.
Controlling Behaviors
There is fear in uncertainty. When we feel as though we have no control over our situation, in order to ease the fear, we want to take control of it. For children, this may look like they are being demanding, rude, bossy, or aggressive. In reality, they are just trying to gain a sense of safety in their world by taking control of situations that make them feel uncomfortable.
Clinginess
I think it goes without saying, but we tend to feel the safest with those who provide our needs, which for most of us, is our parents. In children, this may look like stubborn clinginess, but really, it is the child trying to calm their anxiety by going to their safe place.
Tummy Aches, Headaches, or Sore Muscles
Does your child frequently complain about an upset stomach or headache when they wake up in the morning? It may seem like they are just trying to get out of going to school (and maybe they are), but for some, it is their physical body dealing with anxiety. When we feel that we are in danger, the stress hormone, Cortisol, is released in our bodies. Two places that this hormone is released are in (you guessed it!) the head and the stomach. Nighttime is scary for a lot of kids, so Cortisol might have been settling into their little bodies through the night. Additionally, the body tenses when one is anxious, and when your muscles are tensed for a long time, it creates soreness. Your child might not be lying, they may really not feel good in the mornings!
Trouble Sleeping
Speaking of nighttime, anxiety tends to increase at night for a lot of children. It’s dark and quiet; the perfect recipe for growing anxiety. When you’re anxious, your mind is reeling, and not wanting to slow down and go to sleep. This leaves your child tossing and turning through the night, or going to bed late/waking up early.
Having been the child described at the beginning, I know what helped me process and regulate my anxious behaviors when I was a kid. Here are a few things that you can do to help your anxious child.
Create a safe space for emotional expression.
Allowing your child to feel the emotions they are experiencing in a safe space and talking to them about those feelings is beneficial for their confidence and emotional maturity.
Educate them on different emotions and what they feel like
This allows your child to understand what they are feeling in order to verbalize their needs, decreasing their need for meltdowns. If they know how (and are encouraged) to tell you what they are feeling and what they need, they will be less likely to see a tantrum as their only way to bring attention to their needs.
Create a fear (or worry) box
For a child who has a lot of fears, this is a great tool. Grab an empty box and have your child decorate it however they like. This will be their Fear/Worry Box. Whenever they have a fear or a worry that day, they can write it or draw it on a piece of paper and put it in the box. You can either keep the fear in the box because when it’s in the box, it can’t get back out! Or you can designate a time to go through the box together with your child and talk through all of the fears and worries they have had, providing reassurance and support. Once they have been talked about, they can be ripped up and thrown away because those worries are NOT here to stay!
Practice breathing exercises and mindfulness
Taking slow deep breaths: In (like you’re smelling a flower) and out (like you’re blowing a bubble) is a good way to calm down when you’re feeling anxious and it’s an exercise that can be done no matter where you’re child is. Simple yoga stretches (downward dog, cow pose, cat pose, child pose, rainbow stretch, etc.) are also a great way of refocusing the mind and slowing down anxious thoughts.
Regular therapy
Finally, having your child involved in therapy sessions, whether every week, every other week, or once a month would be beneficial to help your child learn healthy coping skills and emotional regulation. It also gives your child a safe space to express and process emotions that they may not feel comfortable talking about with those whom they see every day.
Anxiety is a big emotion, but it is not impossible to manage. There is hope for highly anxious children and for your family. Growth is possible!
Morgan is currently accepting new patients! If you are interested in services with Morgan, please contact our office and our Patient Care Coordinator will assist you.
Citations:
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. Vermilion.
Suveg, C. & Zeman, J. (2004). Emotion regulation in children with anxiety disorders,
Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 33:4, 750-759.