Mom Guilt- Is It Inevitable? Healthy Attachment as a Working Mom or Stay-at-home Mom

Morgan Flores, M.S.

So many things change in life when a new baby is on the way! For a mother, starting at conception, you begin to make room (figuratively and physically, lol) for the new baby and all the needs they will come with. A change in diet, rearranging the house, buying diapers, shifting to having more parent friends in the same stage of life, changing your routines, possibly moving homes, maybe getting new vehicles, and all the things! 

One major consideration for a lot of families in this process is whether or not a new mother wants to work or be a stay-at-home mom (if that is even an option at all). Not only does this question affect practical issues of what each day will look like, but it often carries more emotional weight for a new mom. For many women, it begs the question, “If someone else is taking care of my baby, will my baby still be attached to me?” Or even, “Will my baby know I love them?” I have seen many mamas, including myself, cry over this matter. So many different people have so many different opinions on the matter. Some say it is selfish for a mother in a two-parent household to go to work while others say being a working mom provides a role model to your children. Is there a right or wrong answer for every family? How can we as moms know for sure? Does working outside of the home bear as much significance on connecting to your baby as society can sometimes make it seem? 

As a clinician, it has brought me a lot of relief to explore the matter through research. Although it does not provide a cookie cutter answer for everyone, it does provide helpful insights to encourage the best attachment possible, whether you are working outside of the home or not. Here are the most significant takeaways I would like to share with you: 

1. The quantity of time spent with your child is not as significant as the quality of time. A working mom who is very intentional, engaged and attentive to her kids when she is with them could potentially have more quality time with her children than a stay-at-home mom who has a lot of time with her kids but lacks quality connection. This is just an example, and there are many stay-at-home moms who are very intentional with their children! The idea is that, working moms do not have to miss out on the quality connection just because they are not there for every minute of the day and stay-at-home moms can take the opportunity to not just be with their kids physically but emotionally as well. Quality over quantity is the key for all parents, no matter their career decision (Hsin & Felfe, 2014). This has a limit too, however, so I would like to note a helpful guideline found in research that when infants exceed 60 hours in non-maternal care per week child-parent attachment is much more likely to become an issue (Hazen, Allen, Christopher, Umemura, & Jacobvitz, 2015). 

2. Mental and emotional balance. Each woman is different and what makes them come alive is a significant piece to this puzzle. For one mama, staying home with their babies could be a dream come true, while, to the next women it could be a very daunting task regardless of dearly loving their children just the same. Investment can still be intact and healthy even if it means that a working mom ensures her high drive is appeased at work, allowing for a relaxed mama to be more engaged at home. For some fields, like psychology, working mothers reported having a better work life balance precisely because they were satisfied with their career and it brought them contentment that encouraged a better tone for them even in the home (Wiens, Theule, Keates, Ward, & Yaholkoski, 2022). For other women, working and balancing home life can be overwhelming and staying in one lane is the best instead of letting work stress take away from home life quality. The key is the integration of work for a good work life balance or the balance of being a stay-at-home mom and still taking care of yourself as a mom. Either decision requires ownership and intentionality. We are at our best personally, not perfect but progressing, we are in a much better place to parent out of an overflow than lack internally. 

3. Other matters to consider: 

Cost benefit of paying for childcare vs. staying at home. For some parents, it cost as much or more than they are making to send their child to daycare. Paying a family member or nanny can be a viable option but is comes with its own challenges, such as potential inconsistency, more emotional navigation with clearly communicating expectations and boundaries, etc. Again, the main concern being quality of care and finding a sweet-spot between a financially manageable, developmentally appropriate, and emotionally and emotionally manageable situation. 

Types of jobs/work hour shifts. Another question related to whether a parent should go back to work is what kind of job they want to have. As discussed, there is the financial cost-benefit analysis, but there is also mental and emotional cost-benefit consideration to be made as well. One example is having parents rotate childcare needs by having one spouse work night shifts. While this may be financially beneficial and make a lot of sense on paper, research suggests that it can have a significant mental and emotional toll on individuals and marriages that cost the family in other ways. Specifically, new parents working non-day shifts may be at a higher risk factor for developing depressive symptoms and having more relationship conflict (Perry-Jenkins, Goldberg, Pierce, & Sayer, 2007). When considering what might be the best work scenario, research shows that parental stress is reduced in the context of a flexible job environment where management understands when changes are needed for childcare purposes (Pilarz, 2021). Some full-time jobs accommodate this, but another option (if feasible) could be a part-time job that provides some additional income and more flexibility, as well as social connection for moms. Some research shows that moms who work part-time have a better work-life balance, with better personal well-being as well as more sensitive parenting (Buehler & O'Brien, 2011). 

Access to quality childcare. At preschool age, the quality of care is largely dependent on whether a teacher engages with the children in a developmentally appropriate way, both academically and socially. Research has found that preschool teachers’ instructional interactions predict a child's academic and language skills, and their emotional interactions impact a child's social skills. While this may vary from classroom to classroom, a preschool that intentionally provides both program and professional development to improve teacher–child interactions facilitate the best environment for growth (Mashburn, 2008). Asking questions about what is being taught at your child's developmental age, how they are engaged in play, how they are redirected when misbehaving, and how teachers are supported is a good place to start. Engaging with your child's teachers in a meaningful way and intentionally encouraging them is another practical way to help contribute to a positive classroom environment indirectly as well! 

Social connection: Our babies are not the only ones who need social connections! As moms, we do too! If you choose to be a stay-at-home mom, take this encouragement to be proactive about having connections for yourself outside of the home. This will help with the mental and emotional balance of being a mom of littles. Similarly, if you are a working mom, that does not automatically mean that your coworkers, if you have any, provide the kind of support you need in this season. Be intentional to connect with others who lift up your arms as a mama. 

Attitude: Some studies have shown that a mother’s attitude toward her decision to return to work was a major predictor of quality of attachment. If a mom chooses to go back to work, they are more likely to maintain a healthy attachment with their child when they are confident and at peace with their choice to do so (Harrison, & Ungerer, 2002). This is good insight when it can sometimes be natural to second guess our decisions. In this case, it is best for moms and their babies that - whatever decision is made - the mom is able to own it and encourage their family in the direction they have chosen to go with confidence.  

This list is not an exhaustive list and it primarily focuses on preschool children, but the principles stay the same throughout a child's development. A good summary could be that, when your child’s black and white needs are met, a helpful guide in making decisions in the gray areas can be to consider what factors can contribute to you being the best parent you can be, which will indirectly benefit your child. It is so important to remind ourselves, it is not about being a perfect parent, but rather doing the best with what we have and teaching our children to problem solve, take risks, do hard things, and apologize and redirect when needed. One day your baby will be an adult too and your attitude, intentionality, and humility will speak more to them than the details of every day. 

Whichever side you find yourself on, keep in mind that what is best for your family might not be the best for the next family. Mom guilt is real, and mom-to-mom support is invaluable and goes a long way in lightening the emotional load we all carry. If you are a working mom, own it, embrace the pros and cons and enjoy quality time with your little ones. If you are a stay-at-home mom, own it, embrace the pros and cons and enjoy quality time with your little ones.  The details on how that looks will be different but the quality for each can be just as deep. Is mom guilt inevitable? Maybe. But that does not mean you can’t learn to manage it, minimize it, and have an ultimate goal to eliminate it.

References 

Buehler, C., & O'Brien, M. (2011). Mothers' part-time employment: associations with mother and family well-being. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43), 25(6), 895–906. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025993 

Harrison, L. J., & Ungerer, J. A. (2002). Maternal employment and infant-mother attachment security at 12 months postpartum. Developmental Psychology, 38(5), 758–773. https://doi-org.sagu.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/0012-1649.38.5.758

Hazen, N. L., Allen, S. D., Christopher, C. H., Umemura, T., & Jacobvitz, D. B. (2015). Very extensive nonmaternal care predicts mother-infant attachment disorganization: Convergent evidence from two samples. Development and psychopathology, 27(3), 649–661. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000893

Hsin, A., & Felfe, C. (2014). When does time matter? maternal employment, children's time with parents, and child development. Demography, 51(5), 1867–1894. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-014-0334-5

Mashburn A., Pianta R., Hamre B., Downer J., Barbarin O., Bryant D., Burchinal M., Early D., Howes C., (2008). Measures of classroom quality in prekindergarten and children’s development of academic, language, and social skills. Child Development 79 (3): 732–749 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01154.x

Perry-Jenkins, M., Goldberg, A. E., Pierce, C. P., & Sayer, A. G. (2007). Shift Work, Role Overload, and the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of marriage and the family, 69(1), 123–138. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00349.x

Pilarz A. R. (2021). Mothers' Work Schedule Inflexibility and Children's Behavior Problems. Journal of family issues, 42(6), 1258–1284. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513x20940761

Wiens, Theule, Keates, Ward, & Yaholkoski (2022). Work–family balance and job satisfaction: An analysis of Canadian psychologist mothers. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie Canadienne. https://doi-org.sagu.idm.oclc.org/10.1037/cap0000321