Amanda Stanley, Ph.D.
Disclaimer: this is not a dad-hating blog- there are plenty of great dads out there (who "dad" in their own way). But this one is to celebrate moms, who just won’t stop momming.
Many of my therapy patients with children will often hear me say “moms are always momming” no matter how old their children get. Adult child has a tough day at work? Mom wants to be there. Young child sick? Mom to the rescue. Child has a great accomplishment? Enter celebratory mom! Child struggling with something? No better comfort than mom. Old moms, new moms, grandmoms, adoptive moms…moms are always momming. Even as an adult psychologist, many of my patients who have adult children also “mom” me- making suggestions for a new cold medicine if they hear me sniffling or a certain office accessory to fill a need. I find this incredibly endearing (and helpful!), and will also chuckle and point out how moms are always momming when this happens.
Growing up, my mom was the epitome of always momming. As a child I never realized how fortunate I was that breakfast was always ready, dinner was always homemade, and lunches were packed (including making sure all four of us children had our favorites- even if that meant making four types of sandwiches). No matter how hard her day may have been, we always came first. Mom was our biggest cheerleader- I don’t know how many 5am trips she took to make sure we made our extracurricular activities on time. And of course we did not make it easy- choir, swimming, theater, basketball, baseball, even math competitions (I’ll own that one- yes, I was a mathlete). I was diagnosed with asthma as an adolescent, and for the next several decades anytime I coughed my mom would ask how my asthma was- mom was always momming. Normal is relative, and although I was appreciative, this all was my normal- I did not know another way.
Although moms are always momming, moms seem to have to super-mom this time of year, when they often get the short end of the stick. The pressure to have holiday magic, arrange schedules, find the perfect gifts, and so on. More and more tasks seem to get added- many of you have to come up with a creative place to move an elf (every day for weeks on end) and, for those with young children, cannot get through December schooldays without navigating when pajama day, grinch day, cookie day, etc., are. Many moms spend the majority of December on a computer these days, focused on finding the perfect gift for everyone who makes the gift list, from children and spouse, to in-laws and teachers, often for others to get the accolades. When it comes to holidays, many moms focus on taking pictures of their family, often being forgotten to actually be IN the pictures. Or worse, that they are hosting a group and are focused on making sure everyone is fed while trying to watch the gift opening over their shoulder.
As I reflect on childhood during this time of year, I recall that things just seemed to appear - the tree, the ornament boxes, the presents, the ice-skating figurines, the Mr. Bingle (a New Orleans tradition), the Christmas cookies. Sure, we would decorate the tree together, but let’s be honest- mom did the hard work. My mother passed in 2018, and we would do anything to have another Christmas with her- even if the tree stayed in the attic, breakfast was pouring yourself cereal, bows did not match the presents, and homemade cookies were nowhere in sight. It’s truly not about these things.
These days, my sister (as the mom of adult children) has been the magic maker for the holidays for the whole family for years. We joke that she is “Mrs. Claus” and I’m fairly certain she has every holiday décor item that Target has ever made (joking…sort of). Anyone (person or dog) who comes to her house gets a stocking- with 20+ people and 10 or so dogs, this is not an easy task. For decades, she has somehow managed to find the perfect gifts for people (things I would never think of) and navigated the integral tree of family, spouses, in-laws, etc., to determine when there is overlap for all of us to do a secret santa gift exchange and eat a meal together. This is a good reminder to make sure she can enjoy Christmas morning- no matter how old her children get (now in their twenties), she has been consistently joyous watching them open gifts throughout the years.
So moms….prioritize yourself. Especially during this season. You should get front row to the present opening- who cares if breakfast is late, delegated to others, or even nonexistent? Struggling with the perfect gift for someone? Everyone loves gift cards. No one will care if the bow on the present is perfect, and no one will care if the holiday cards are late. Ask someone else to snap all the pictures so that you can live in the moment (and also make an appearance in the images- I promise you, 20 years from now, you will not care if your hair was a mess and clothes were wrinkly- you want those priceless images). And most importantly- give yourself some grace. This time of year, you get more tasks to do but no more time to do them (the math does not work, from the former mathlete haha); something has to give and too often the default is to compromise yourself. I promise- your loved ones do not want that.
Enjoy and embrace the imperfectness to this season, and stop trying to make it perfect.