Morgan Flores, M.S.
As a parent, we want the best for our kids- better than the best! We want them to succeed beyond our limits and be all they can be. While this is in many ways honorable and drives us to do the hard work to set our kids up for success, there is also a dark side to the perfectionism this can fuel. Let’s be real, the “best” can translate to not being content with anything less than our lofty, and often unrealistic, expectations of ourselves and our kids. When reality challenges these expectations as parents we become discouraged, put out, and even depressed. We think thoughts like, “I am not a good enough mom” or “My son is making me look bad because he cannot get his act together and I am embarrassed.”. As a mom about to have three under three (due with baby #3 in April!), I know the feeling of striving to be all and do all for my kids. I inevitably miss the mark of where I want to be and, even in the good moments, I can find myself being drawn to focus on what was left undone or not done well. If we look deeper, it is not just about external situations but our craving for perfection has to do with our inner critic and the drive to try and feel ok with ourselves if we could just be the “best” parent with the “best” kids. In reality, we do not live in a perfect world, we are not perfect people (let alone perfect parents), and we will never have perfect children.
Expecting perfection of ourselves and or of our children is a hope that is not based on reality and it leads to frustration and pain. Parents are left evaluating every decision, and every interaction, and feeling less than enough. Their kids learn through observation this is how they should evaluate themselves, not only for performance on external matters but for internal worth. Perfectionism is relentless and it rarely leads to joy. Our value goes way beyond what we do but perfectionism does not let us remember that very often.
On the flip side, moving away from perfection: Should parents let their children do whatever they want and excuse inappropriate behavior with comments like, “they are only kids” or “they are only human”? No, because it is also harmful to swing too far to this end of the spectrum and withhold discipline, which is very much needed for kids to learn and have the tools to be successful in life. Some parents can take this extreme and feel, “My child can do no wrong” to the detriment of the very child they love so deeply. Let it be noted, that love is more than warm feelings and positive regard. Consistent and reasonable discipline for the sake of teaching and training your child is in fact very loving.
Perfection is too far and doomed to failure. A lack of expectations and limits is not enough. Instead, we can strike a balance with progress over perfection. Progress as a parent is a very freeing concept. It means that we are not required to be perfect but we are intentional to grow. We do not expect the unattainable from our children but we still have the responsibility and privilege of calling out the growth that is appropriate for them to develop and become mature.
Progress also leaves room for mistakes, and that is a beautiful thing! Each difficult situation is an opportunity to model humility. Our kids know we are not perfect anyway, so instead of expecting perfection and pretending we have it together, we can demonstrate how to handle failure, frustration, and conflict, saying “I’m sorry,” and forgiving to equip our children to know how to truly thrive in this imperfect world. In this scenario, we will still not attain perfection, but will have a much better chance at setting our kids up for success through modeling how to deal with genuine life challenges with a mindset of progress that normalizes mistakes but still compels us to grow.
Who knows, this kind of paradigm shift could be the key to more genuine connections with our kids that has the potential to redefine the “best” to include ongoing growth that is good, not just for our kids, but us as well.
Please reach out to our office to inquire about services with Morgan and our other therapists!